Scenes From the Class Struggle at Degrassi Junior High

Pat Mastroianni, who played Joey Jeremiah on the Canadian series Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High, recently announced his engagement to his real-life high-school sweetheart. To the delight of many Degrassi devotees, Mastroianni also announced that he’d be hosting a stag party at a Toronto bar that would be open to the public (with a charge of forty dollars per person) and would feature several Degrassi alumni. Passing Show correspondent Eric Rumble attended the event and presents this account of the festivities:

The Beginning

Siluck Saysanasy, who played Yick on the Degrassi series, greets attendees at the door and collects the forty-dollar “donation.” Inside, about 100 guests have gathered. A video collage featuring pictures and clips of Mastroianni is being projected on a giant screen over the dance floor. The man himself — with shaved head and goatee — is dealing cards at a nearby blackjack table. Behind him, piles of T-shirts, hats, mugs, and pictures from the Degrassi era are waiting to be raffled off. When a fan asks Mastroianni about the whereabouts of an item that didn’t make the raffle table, he responds, “I’m waiting for the television special [Degrassi: The Next Generation] to come out before I put it on eBay.”

The Crowd

Attendance has hit its high point at about 200 guests. Rebecca Haines (who played anorexic Kathleen), Bill Parrott (Shane McKay, who impregnated Spike), Michael Carry (the debonair Simon Dexter), and Kirsten Bourne (Tessa Campinelli) form a loose circle at the edge of the dance floor. About fifteen feet away, two fans wearing backpacks watch the group and huddle over a cast photograph they’ve brought along.

“Who’s that?” says one, pointing to an actor on the dance floor.

“I don’t know. But is he in the picture?” says the other.

“Yeah. But who is he?”

“I don’t know. But he was on the show, right?”

“He must be. He’s in the picture.”

Other guests shuffle around the room, anxiously eyeing the circle of former Degrassi stars. Most of the guests are armed with cameras or notepads. “I remember having a dream once,” says one, “that was just like this.”

The Fans

Two women lounge in a booth, chatting with Darrin Brown, who played the role of Duane, a school bully stricken with AIDS.

“What are you doing now?” one of the girls asks.

“I’m working for a feature filmmaker in the States,” says Brown.

She grins. “So, what’s the best way for me to get into the business?”

“Sleep with your boss,” says Brown.

Both girls giggle.

“No, really,” says Brown.

Singapore, Joe Clark Hatching Master Plans

Recently, the Royal Ontario Museum announced that, as part of efforts to become “a star cultural attraction,” it will be expanding its existing galleries and building new ones — all of which it described ominously as “Phase Two” of its “Master Plan.” We wondered, Who else has a master plan, and what do these plans entail? Here, we present a list of individuals or organizations whom Canadian newspapers have cited as having a “master plan,” as well as each plan’s ultimate goal. Readers are invited to match the plan to its master:

The Masters

1. Joe Clark

2. God

3. Eve Ensler, Author of The Vagina Monologues

4. Eminem

5. Actor Alan Cumming

6. Tiger Woods

7. Stockwell Day

8. Singapore

9. Honda

The Plans

a. To save a do-it-yourself-divorce-kit publisher from bad business decisions

b. To meet with backbenchers every morning

c. To become a hub for scientific research

d. To win with his short game

e. To convert Valentine’s Day into a day of protest

f. To get homosexuals to trust him

G. To create glory

h. To survive

i. To work with his friends again

answers: 1H, 2A, 3E, 4F, 51, 6D, 7B, 8C, 9G